When your teenager stops talking to you

The girl who told you everything yesterday now closes the door and answers in single words. That is hard on a parent, but it rarely means she has stopped loving you. Adolescence is when a person works out who she is, and some distance is a natural part of that.

• Talk side by side. Conversation comes more easily in the car, over the washing-up or on a walk than face to face.
• Ask less, listen more. Skip 'how was your day?' and ask about something she cares about.
• Hold back the advice. Start with 'That sounds hard.'
• Take her feelings seriously and do not shrink them.
• Keep doing ordinary things together, even in silence.
• Get to know her friends and make them welcome at home.

Secretly checking her phone, criticising her in front of others, sharing her secrets with relatives and sentences that begin 'in my day' all shut the door further. If a talk goes badly, do not be afraid to apologise first. It costs you no authority, and it shows her how grown-ups behave.

With normal distance she keeps her friends, schoolwork and hobbies and simply talks to you less. It is more worrying if she also pulls away from friends, her grades drop sharply, her sleep and eating change, she gives up everything she loved, or she seems frightened for no clear reason. If so, calmly tell her what you have noticed and that you are there.